i guess i have to get back to look for something to write everyday again. this will keep me sane and concious with life on a daily basis. it's time to move on. i must admit that i have been lost since breaking up with pt last week. .. yes, this was the shit i was trying not to talk about. but truth is truth. he cheated on me. i was shocked, horribly hurt, miserable but after sitting and talking to him when he came to collect his things, i think i can forgive him. i think i've forgiven him already. it's just another mistake he made in his life. but surely, things won't be the same again. i am going to take some time to think about the new me. the me that doesn't have him around anymore. this is new to me. after 12 years. it breaks my hearts. my trust was betrayed. i fall apart. i feel lonely. i feel lost. i am disoriented when waking up after falling asleep. but i am picking up the pieces and glueing them together. i am broken. i am flawed. i am shattered. but i am learning to know the new me... i am trying little by little.. this is not so easy after that long commitment.. ::sign::

dave left for bangkok this afternoon. getting off the car, he gave me a hug and the last word he said to me..'be strong'... that means alot to me but while driving off the airport, i felt a wee bit lonely again. i don't want to go back to feeling emty but i can't help it and i know this thing takes time. the jokes he made via text last night made me have a real laugh for the first time. though, we haven't seen, talked, emailed or texted each other often, we are pretty good friends to one another and i've missed him already.

and now it's time to get back to work. the show goes on. life moves on. i get hurt but i will get better. sooner or later.