yesterday after dave left, i felt a bit empty and lonely. as i said not that i was into him but the feeling of having a friend around helped me getting away from the empty moment for a while. at least, he kept me busy while he was around. i texted him in the evening but just silence came back. it's so typical of him - the english city boy. i guess he is back to his city life, partying with friends. so i phoned one of my girlfriends. we mostly contact via postcards since we left uni. i feel safe talking to her. she gave me some provoking thoughts. she had been through few breakups and managed to laugh about it now. talking to her, i felt a lot better. at night after closing my shop, silence crept in. i still felt like talking to some friends. i didn't know who to talk to. i scrolled down my phone list and decided to call 'toto', one of my male friend from uni. we talked once in a while but we are pretty close. it was 9 pm, and he just got back from work. he asked what's up? i said i was brokenheart. -- i know i was desperate but it sounded like a joke when i said it. -- he laughed bc i didn't sound that hurt and sad. i said i passed the shocking and crying stage but i was pretty lonely and needed a friend to talk to. -- i barely felt lonely before and that was why i felt i was deperate.-- i told him honestly and frankly. i needed to get things off my chest and needed some enlightment from him. -- god, i really sounded hopeless, but at least, i told myself, i was honest with my feeling and my friends..

i talked to him for a while and he gave me male perspectives on this thing - cheating-, which helped open my eyes. he is one of those guys who act like pt. i knew he is capable of cheating. i knew this since we were in uni. he said he was facing that shit himself too but he was the active not the passive. but i don't judge him or hate him. i know naturally he is a good person. he told me if pt was a good guy and this was just a mistake he made, i should forgive him and got on with my life without him. at least stay friend with him. i knew i was going to do this sooner or later. so after talking to 'toto'. i called pt. i hesitantly dialled his number. i hadn't talked to him for a week. i still cried my eyes out while talking to him. it still badly hurted. but i wanted to get it done. i wanted to clear everything with him. i knew he was in pain too. i told him i forgive him. i was not angry at him anymore. i knew he was a good person. he took good care of me while we were together. i knew it was a mistake. i told him i forgave him. i did this for myself and for him. i wanted to free myself, for my own sake. if i still hold the grudges, i won't be happy and i can't start fresh with my new life. i told him we can be friend. i know it's too soon. it's just a week. but the sooner i can get this done, the better i will feel. so i decided to do it last night. i kept telling him, 'i forgive you', 'i forgive you'. and that made me feel much better and lighter. after talking to him, i could sleep tight, for the first time in a week. and i woke up without feeling disoriented. this morning, i felt like i've gained myself back. i feel happier, lighter and better. i felt the pain has been lifted off my chest. but i still need more time to heal. i know i sound desperate but i want to get over with it. and i need to write it out.

before, i didn't think i would need a friend to talk about this. i thought i just would just cure myself, take time alone for a while and then phew! things would get to normal. i was wrong. i need to talk to friends to get through this. i passed the crying stage so i could talk to them with a laugh or two. i don't want to talk about it to my friends when it was still fresh. i don't want them to hate him. surely, seeing me hurt and crying, they won't think good about him. people make mistake and pt can do it too and i want to forgive him.

writing it out here while trying to get back on my own feet hugely helps me walk through it. i know the best way out is going through it. and now i am trying my best to put this behind and go on with life...